Let’s talk about sex — more specifically, about the fact that some of us are opting not to have it. Celibacy is a hot topic in pop culture, evidenced by the return of the Netflix series Too Hot To Handle, where contestants attempt to abstain from sex for prize money. Beyond Netflix, people — women in particular — are opening up about their decision to be celibate online and coining terms about it like “boy sober.”
Between 2007 and 2017, the number of young men and women having casual sex both dropped, according to a 2021 paper in the sociological research journal Socius. The paper’s authors stated that this decline is consistent with the general decrease in sex young adults are experiencing.
But is the way we talk about celibacy helpful, or does it reinforce unhelpful stigma and stereotypes?
Why are so many women choosing to be celibate?
Choosing to be celibate could stem from a range of personal reasons, from experiences of sexual violence to looking inward and figuring out what one actually wants.
Gabrielle, 26, decided to go celibate after getting hurt too many times in the dating scene and wanting to reevaluate her priorities. “Being celibate has been a game-changer for me,” she tells Mashable. Gabrielle and others are referred to by their first names only for privacy reasons.
“It’s not about punishing myself or depriving myself of pleasure. It’s about taking control of my own life, my own body, and my own happiness,” she continues. “It’s about saying, ‘You know what, I’m worth something, even if it’s just to myself.’ And that’s a powerful feeling.”
Sexologist and relationship therapist Madalaine Munro explains that there are many benefits to opting for celibacy, temporarily or otherwise. These include finding “a more intentional approach to how you get your needs met in life” as well celibacy being a chance to “reflect on your relationship patterns and what you really need from dating and relationships.” You’re able to explore where you may source your self-worth and external validation, and focus on other important areas of your life.
It seems that celibacy is being discussed by and large by women. For example, the term “boy sober” is trending on TikTok (with over 29 million posts at time of writing), referring to elected celibacy predominantly by women — and the subsequent benefits for their own wellbeing. The 4B movement — the supporters of which reject traditional heteronormative values and refuse to be sexually or romantically involved with men, or have children — may have started in South Korea, but has gained traction and fascination all over the internet.
“Women experience both hyper-sexualisation, objectification and slutshaming, so it can be confusing to have such extremes projected onto them and their choices,” Munro explains.
And, of course, asexuality exists on a spectrum. Some people may not desire sex at all, or are repulsed by the idea of sex.
For allosexuals (people who do feel sexual desire and attraction), is this trend most dominant with heterosexual women? Munro says so, and explains that from her viewpoint this happens because “they realise that their emotional needs may not have been met in the sex they are experiencing.” But, she says she has also noticed celibate trends within the queer community as well, in terms of making “empowered choices around sex and relationships.”
Bumble’s celibacy fumble
The online conversation around celibacy became more heated when dating app Bumble released adverts making fun at celibacy at best, and shaming it at worst. One billboard read: “You know full well a vow of celibacy is not the answer.” Another stated, “Thou shalt not give up on dating and become a nun.”
The fact that a company so deeply entrenched in how we date can make such tone deaf comments about a healthy and valid lifestyle choice is concerning.
Critics of Bumble’s adverts took to the internet, with one posting on TikTok: “Imagine pretending to be a Dating App FOR WOMEN and launching a million dollar ad campaign BLAMING WOMEN for a very normal reaction [to] men’s violence.” Another posted: “Stay away from companies that try to ridicule women for their personal choices.”
Model and journalist Jordan Emanuel posted on X (formally known as Twitter): “In a world fighting for respect and autonomy over our bodies, it’s appalling to see a dating platform undermine women’s choices. Wasn’t this app supposed to empower women to date on their terms?”
Bumble apologised in a statement over social media. “For years, Bumble has passionately stood up for women and marginalised communities, and their right to fully exercise personal choice,” it reads. “We didn’t live up to these values with this campaign and we apologise for the harm it caused.”
One of the ironies from this outrage and apology is that many women are opting for celibacy because they are frustrated by modern dating, the state of which Bumble helped shape. One of the most popular dating apps ridiculing this choice says a lot about the stigma surrounding celibacy.
Actress and model Julia Fox even weighed in on her own experience of being celibate, responding to a viral TikTok criticising Bumble’s campaign. She wrote: “2.5 years of celibacy and never been better.” When asked more about this during an appearance on Watch What Happens Live! with Andy Cohen, Fox divulged a very political and personal reason for her celibacy.
“I think with the overturning of Roe v. Wade, and you know, our rights being stripped away from us, this is a way that I can take back control,” she said. “And it just sucks that it has to be that way, but I just don’t feel comfortable until things change.” (Fox has since come out as a lesbian.)
The stigma around celibacy
So with the increasing popularity of celibacy and the harsh backlash Bumble faced, why are societal attitudes often leaning towards stigmatising and shaming it? What is the larger impact of controversies like Bumble’s “fumble”?
Munro explains that this stigma exists because celibacy “goes against the hyper-fixation and glorification of romantic relationships by pop culture.”
“It receives stigmatisation in society because people aren’t taught that it may be an empowered choice growing up,” Munro says.
It’s also not in the best interest of dating app companies for people to be opting out of dating and sex, explaining why many may not initially encourage celibacy as a choice for their users. “A movement in celibacy directly impacts dating app subscriptions,” Munro explains. It doesn’t help that users are increasingly sick of dating apps for other reasons, and starting to choose other options like IRL dating events.
Feeling any shame or stigma around celibacy may make modern dating and relationships even harder to navigate. “Stigmatising celibacy creates shame around dating and intimacy choices, which can lead to people feeling that something they are doing is somehow wrong or that they should be doing something differently,” Munro says. “It makes it seem that celibacy could be a wrong choice when actually it may be the first time someone is looking inwards around their relationship needs.”
Pros and cons of celibacy
“Celibacy often helps women create their own relationship to pleasure and sex without unhealthy narratives of society,” Munro says.
You may choose to continue to masturbate during a celibate period, which can help you experience your own sexual pleasure directly. Munro explains that in a sexual relationship with a partner, you may experience indirect pleasure, from someone else’s pleasure, instead of your own. “Celibacy gives you the opportunity to get clear on what feels good in your body, what turns you on, what you like and don’t like without the interference of how somebody else may respond,” she says, adding that the gender orgasm gap “may contribute towards women’s choice to go celibate as they may not be experiencing the pleasure they truly want in relationships and intimacy.”
Patience, 31, tells Mashable that masturbation is a central part of being celibate for her. “I still masturbate, and it’s been a big part of why I chose celibacy,” she says. “By focusing on self-pleasure, I’ve learned more about my body, sexuality — knowing what I like and strengthening intimacy on all levels within myself. This has made me feel more confident and in control of my own pleasure without needing someone else.”
Finding intimacy and alignment with yourself through celibacy could help you find better and deeper intimacy with others, should you choose to in the future. It’s important to remember that a choice to be celibate doesn’t have to be permanent.
“Often women share that their dating standards increase after celibacy, because they are so much clearer on what they will and won’t accept in dating,” Munro explains.
However, she warns that while we should champion celibacy as a valid choice and source of empowerment, we must also be aware of drawbacks. She advises anyone partaking in celibacy to beware of feelings of inner peace and safety leading to “hyper-independence” or “an avoidant attachment strategy,” and advises seeking support in maintaining intimacy and connection if they notice this happening.
She also explains that celibacy can lead to shame around sexual choices as well as harmful purity thinking. “It’s important to be flexible and open around your choices for celibacy, and be open that you may have different needs at different times in your life,” Munro says.
Above all, she says that celibacy shouldn’t cut off your connection to your sexuality altogether, but give you space to reprioritise or reorient your relationship to your body and self.
While the fight against celibacy stigma and shame continues, it’s important to focus on the wins. For example, dating app Feeld recently added celibacy as a “desire style” for user profiles, and an increasing amount of women are finding peace and empowerment through exploring celibacy. And there’s nothing shameful about that.
